(NOTE: This piece was first published on the French version of my website on March 29th, the day after the news about the interstitium came out. It was mostly meant as a joke… but a few days later, my “prophecy” pretty much came true. I’ll explain at the end. In the meantime, enjoy my newfound superpower. Many thanks to Jonathan Jarry from the McGill Office for Science and Society and The Body of Evidence – highly recommended blogs and podcast – for helping me with the translation!)
Unless you live in the basement of a suburban cult, unless you don’t care about health at all, or unless you’re a Big Pharmonsanto shill, you must have heard the good news: researchers have discovered a new organ in the human body! (yes, this is real news)
(Well, to be exact, they just gave a name to this “new organ”, which is not really an organ… and was sort of known already … but anyway)
In a nutshell, the interstitium is a network of cavities filled with liquid, which would serve as a shock absorber between organs. In addition, these cavities are found everywhere and interconnected throughout the human body. This makes the interstitium the largest organ of the body.
But hey, who cares, right?
What you really want to know at this point is:
I have spent most of my life (i.e. the last 30 minutes) reading everything that has been written on the topic, so as a pioneer of the interstitium, I would like to introduce my own range of products and services to pamper and care for this vital organ.
First of all, this spring, I will publish the first book ever written on the interstitium:
In this book, I explain that the interstitium is in fact the 3rd brain and 2nd pancreas of the human body.
(the value and accuracy of these analogies are none of your business)
I also explain that since the cavities of the interstitium are all interconnected in the human body, it is quite reasonable to think that by targeting it, we can prevent and cure all the diseases that exist or will exist in the human body in the future. I mean, it’s pure logic.
Lastly, I stipulate that if the interstitium is a natural “shock absorber”, then it is quite obvious that taking care of it will prevent all kinds of shocks, such as:
- Emotional shock
- Post-traumatic shock
- Septic shock
- Cardiogenic shock
- Generational culture shock
- Chocolate cravings
FIRST SECOND BOOK!!!
This fall, I will also be the first to publish a second book (time flies, wow!) on the interstitium.
(I worked on my empathic facial expression all week-end, and it paid off)
To sum it up, you should choose foods that vibrate at the same frequency as the interstitium. As a matter of fact, the vibration of things is extremely important with regards to health, as experts say.
By a total coincidence, these foods are all those we already know are good for your health:
And what’s BAD for the interstitium? Well, it should be pretty obvious by now:
And the coolest thing about this is that it comes from:
(as opposed to what I do not personally consider to be “real science”, i.e. anything that calls into question or contradicts my words)
In parallel with the release of my second book, I will inaugurate the very first health clinic dedicated to the interstitium IN THE WORLD!
(my logo kicks ass)
OK so we all agree that discovering new organs is a whole lotta fun but, ultimately, what matters is how to cure them.
Because yes, your interstitium, which you did not know existed 3 minutes ago, is already sick.
Here’s a made-up patient that I successfully cured:
You’ll also be the first to try my clinically proven, 100% natural health product:
(Please note that this product is not yet approved by Health Canada and that I do not intend to submit it for review, because I don’t have to)
Book your consultation (with me) now!
For more info, please contact my PR firm or lawyer.
P.S. OK so this was mostly irony … The “new organ” bit is real news, but I found it funny to imagine how shady people could use this discovery to attract attention and/or to make money, as is the case right now with the gut microbiota. Seriously, you don’t need to worry about your interstitium… until proven otherwise…
Weird update: A few days later, the interstitium was proposed as a possible mechanism to explain the “efficacy” of acupuncture. As skeptics then pointed out, such a theory is ludicrous. But even worse, it looks like one the main scientists behind the discovery, Neil Theise, was already quite involved in the promotion of alternative practices. Truth IS sometimes stranger than fiction….